horror horoscope

Horroroscope – Find your place in the horror horoscope of cinema

Dear horror enthusiasts and horoscope aficionados, I have discovered a way to bring you all together today.

I know, I know… horror is not a genre for everyone; some are more sensitive than others to blood and violence, speaking, of course, of the harmless kind we see on the screen.

Similarly, some don’t care about horoscopes and can barely perhaps remember their zodiac sign, unaware that star-reading and the movements of constellations through time are some of the oldest forms of culture in the human race.

Indeed, millennia before we started going to the movies or watching streaming content, our furry, gnashing ancestors’ television was in the vault of heaven.

It was a great mystery that followed the sun’s day and night cycle, waiting for darkness to see those bright dots appear. They grouped them into drawings of animals and mythological figures, on which they then built all sorts of stories that still survive.

In what way? Well, you only need to look at what religion has done with the sun, turning it into a human figure to be worshipped and adored like Jesus or, even earlier, the Egyptian god Horus, two prophets who wandered accompanied by twelve apostles just as our star makes its journey in the Milky Way accompanied by the twelve zodiac constellations.

And then, after all, believing in the horoscope is a bit like praying: after all, what do you lose out?

So let’s pair this horoscope with one of the purest film genres related to the mortality of the human being, namely horror, one of the immortal progenitors and cornerstones since the origins of the noble seventh art.

Are you all set? Are you curious to know what creature, monster, or murderous spirit your stars are attached to? Then read on.

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Halloween (1978)

Halloween 1978 movie
Amazon Prime Video

Let us begin with the mighty Aries, a fire sign connected to physical strength and resilience that, in this horoscope, I wish to match with the prototype par excellence of the 1970s horror slasher.

We speak, of course, of Michael Myers, a pleasant homicidal lunatic from Illinois who made his debut at a very young age by stabbing his sister to death during (of course) Halloween night festivities.

Locked up in an insane asylum for a full 15 years, he finally manages to escape and returns more pissed off than ever to his childhood home, where he meets young Laurie, immediately becoming obsessed with her and following her and her friends everywhere.

As the girls plan how to spend the night with their boyfriends while babysitting some young boys, Myers’ murderous rampage will reach its climax again in the heart of spooky Halloween night.

The great American director John Carpenter carved his name in history with a milestone of the horror genre, imitated in all sauces and ingredients from the 1970s to the present.

But while everyone tries to replicate the flavor, very few have captured the essence of this movie that focuses more on ratcheting up the tension than on actual violence.

Not surprisingly, the assaults on the small group of girlfriends led by the very young Jamie Lee Curtis are restricted to only the last half-hour, and aside from the introductory scene, there are virtually no other murders for the rest of the story.

We then talk about the descent into hell of Dr. Loomis, the legendary Donald Pleasence, beginning by following in the footsteps of an insane but still human, Michael Myers, who finally mutates into the homicidal incarnation without needing any psychological motives or explanations for killing.

In short, we are talking about a must-see movie in every horror collection, punctuated by the rhythm of the same seraphic and timeless music composed by Carpenter, already a legend before we even reach the credits.

♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

They Live (1988)

They Live 1988 movie
Amazon Prime Video

Another movie, another horror hit by John Carpenter, is in second place in our horoscope, in the equally powerful Earth sign under the light of Taurus Venus.

A usually peaceful and productive sign, like the honest working man protagonist of this story, John Nada, who has recently arrived in Los Angeles looking for work.

But like the sign of Taurus, it’s best not to mess with this guy lest he unleash the dormant rebellion of an unstoppable force of nature.

John joins a commune of laborers who work and live in harmony, but when a police raid razes their camp, everything changes forever.

Indeed, behind the police and the established power is nothing less than a dangerous alien civilization intent on raiding our planet of all that is lootable while keeping us quiet and submissive with the collar of consumerism.

When John finds a pair of glasses that nullify the aliens’ lies, he discovers that his world is nothing more than one giant collage of subliminal messages designed to constantly brainwash the population.

So he, his colleague Frank, and the beautiful journalist Holly join the revolution to expose the true nature of the parasites in charge of the nation.

Although set in the late 1980s, this Carpenter masterpiece is as relevant as ever today, in this age of fake news and where money is still a god without mercy toward anyone.

Equally unforgettable are the humor and grit of lead pair Roddy Piper and Keith David, along with the ethereal beauty of the surreal eyes of the stunning Meg Foster.

Mid-80s horror/action with a 50s sci-fi style, Carpenter makes the best movie ever for combining goliardic entertainment with a profound political and social message.

♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

The Fly (1986)

The Fly 1986 movie
Amazon Prime Video

Next, let’s talk about the most ambiguous and darkest sign of the horoscope, Gemini, a constellation under the element of Air and ruled by the planet Mercury, which makes them (for better or worse) as thirsty for knowledge and satisfaction as the protagonist of this horror film, the brilliant scientist Seth Brundle.

For years, Brundle has secretly developed a revolutionary technology: a pair of capsules that instantly move matter from one point in space to another.

It is an ambitious project that could turn human history upside down, except that this teleportation system has one flaw, which is significant enough to make it a means of travel usable by the masses.

Indeed, the capsule works only with inert matter, while living beings are twisted as they move between capsules, always arriving at their destination in a mass of bloody mush.

As Brundle begins an affair with young Veronica, a journalist who first has the privilege of entering his private laboratory, spurred on by the girl, he decides to make the capsules’ computer more creative to solve the problem on his own.

The compromise initially seems to work, but when the scientist tries the experiment on himself, he inadvertently teleports himself along with a fly, a fatal mistake that slowly begins to change his body and mind into a frightening hybrid of human and insect.

Behind this unforgettable mix of horror and science fiction is the brilliant David Cronenberg, who achieves his greatest box office success by combining the themes he holds most dear in his cinematographic wizardry cauldron: thriller and horror, science and medicine, and above all, the inextricable link between human and technological evolution.

Equally perfect are leads Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis, lovers in this dark fable with sinisterly prophetic and pessimistic implications for humanity’s future.

♋ Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Carrie (1976)

Carrie 1976 movie
Amazon Prime Video

No less dark than Gemini is Cancer, the horoscope box for a water sign under the shadow of the Moon that hides a disturbing horror and bloodthirsty side behind an appearance of friendly and harmless kindness.

So, what character could be better portrayed than the sweet and candid Carrie White, a young high school student with big dreams and shy insecurity carved on her teenage face?

Because of her sweet and submissive soul, she is a constant victim of bullying by her cruel classmates during school hours and, even worse, of her mother Margaret’s religious fanatic ravings when she returns home.

But her tormentors have no idea how dangerous it is to push poor Carrie to the limit of endurance, for the girl discovers, to her amazement, that she is endowed with telekinetic powers.

Slowly, she tries to learn how to control them amidst religious guilt that makes her feel like some demon, while surprisingly, the cutest boy in class chooses her as his prom date.

But the date is actually a trap for a final, ruthless prank, with which Carrie will humiliate her in front of everyone while Carrie’s power continues to grow ever more dangerous and uncontrollable.

Brilliant director Brian De Palma brings one of the best novels by celebrated author Stephen King to theaters with a film that is now an indelible myth in the teen horror genre.

A story of growth and self-discovery of the very young Sissy Spacek, a splendid actress bullied by two exceptional colleagues such as Nancy Allen and John Travolta, without, of course, forgetting the hallucinating mother played by Piper Laurie.

In short, another masterpiece that to this day remains unsurpassed in how it deals with the theme of bullying and religious hysteria, two among the many faces of devious human cruelty.

♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The Shining (1980)

The Shining 1980 movie
Amazon Prime Video

We now enter the jungle of Leo, the roaring constellation of the Horoscope under the aegis of the Sun and fire, an element of destruction just like Mr. Jack Torrance, the protagonist always born from the pen of Stephen King.

Torrance is a writer in creative crisis, recovering from a nasty time of alcoholism that has severely stressed the resilience of his marriage to his wife, Wendy.

As if that were not enough, more trouble also comes from his little son Danny, a curious and intelligent little boy who, however, hears voices and sees things that do not exist.

To save the little family comes a unique job opportunity: acting as a janitor at the remote Overlook Hotel, closed for the winter season when it becomes completely isolated in the mountains’ snow.

However, on what seems practically a paid vacation, they sense something profoundly wrong and dangerous about the hotel from the first moment.

Indeed, over the decades, multiple murders and acts of violence have taken place within those walls, imbuing the air with an evil spirit attracted by young Danny’s “shimmering” power and who, to obtain it, will not hesitate to turn dear Daddy Jack into a bloodthirsty monster.

Personally, “The Shining” has never been my favorite novel among Stephen King’s many achievements, but to breathe new life into its cinematic incarnation is another genius (I know, I am repeating genius and masterpiece a lot today) like the immortal Stanley Kubrick.

Going against King’s wishes, the great Stanley sublimates the knockout performance of a movie lion-like Jack Nicholson, never again so terrifying before or after this role.

Ghosts, madness, rivers (literally) of blood, and twins you won’t forget are just a few of the treasures you’ll find in this house of horrors to see and see again until you’re mentally exhausted, just like Jack Torrance.

♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Manhunter (1986)

Manhunter 1986 movie
Amazon Prime Video

For all those who are already familiar with this movie, I know, let’s say it up front: technically, Manhunter is a detective story, but I could not refrain from including in my horror horoscope two terrifying serial killers like The Tooth Fairy and Hannibal Lecktor.”

However, embodying the best characteristics of the sign of Virgo, namely an analytical and obsessive mind, are not them but the character of Detective Will Graham, exemplified by the likable William Petersen, whom you all remember from the famous TV series CSI.

Graham is in retreat with his family to recover from the trauma of the brutal assault during Dr. Lecktor’s arrest, but he is forced back into the game when a new killer arrives on the scene, the Tooth Fairy, beginning to decimate entire families in gruesome carnage.

Indeed, his talent, intuition, and natural ability to empathize with the minds of these madmen are indispensable to the FBI, which convinced him to investigate the case with the false promise that he would be safe this time.

Yep, false promise, because when Graham visits Lecktor in jail for advice and new inspiration to solve the crimes, the dear doctor will put both him and his family directly in the crosshairs of this serial killer.

The great director Michael Mann whips our minds into this centrifuge of elegant style and criminal psychology, conducted with breathless pace and impeccable taste in staging every moment of the story.

In addition to the young Petersen, let us not forget the psychopaths played by the immensely scary Tom Noonan and Brian Cox; even the latter would later be replaced by the equally brilliant Anthony Hopkins in the many (even too many) Hannibal Lecktor movies.

Few other thrillers can rival Manhunter, which is literally an expository catalog of the best cinema has to offer on Serial Killers and is still unsurpassed to this day.

♎ Libra (September 23 – October 23)

An American Werewolf in London (1981)

An American Werewolf in London 1981 movie
Amazon Prime Video

Seemingly, the following sign in the horoscope, Libra, under the charm of the sign of Venus and with its friendly demeanor and high ability to fit into any social context, has little to do with the horror genre.

But behind every smile may lurk a murderous potential, as young David, an American wanderer exploring England backpacking with his faithful friend Jack, will bitterly discover.

Until the two boys are wandering in the dark moorland mist just outside a strange inn and are attacked by a wild animal, which kills Jack and leaves poor David wounded on the ground.

Obviously, the animal is a werewolf, a legendary semi-human hybrid that mutates into a murderous beast on full moon nights and, worse yet, passes on the curse to anyone who survives its bites.

At that point, it becomes only a matter of time before David’s baptism of blood, as he finds himself back in London living with the beautiful nurse Alex, who had nursed him and with whom he fell in love during his hospitalization.

Guiding this staple of the horror genre is the masterful John Landis, known for his equally brilliant comedies such as Animal House and The Blues Brothers, a testament to his versatility and skill.

Not surprisingly, irony is omnipresent even in the goriest or most delirious scenes, such as the visions that young protagonist David Naughton has, who is haunted by the ghosts of his victims and also of his friend Jack, played by the likable Griffin Dunne, who becomes scene after scene a zombie in an increasingly advanced state of decomposition.

The horror travels just as gently alongside the love story with the friendly Jenny Agutter, who gladdens the more tragic notes of this unsurpassed black tale with her graceful presence.

♏ Scorpius (October 24 – November 21)

Videodrome (1983)

Videodrome 1983 movie
Amazon Prime Video

Still related to love but with more rough and sexual overtones is, on the other hand, Scorpio, a water sign midway between Mars and Pluto that combines a certain kind of charming intelligence and curiosity with a stupid and childish stubbornness.

A description that is as fitting as ever for the lousy horoscope of Max Renn, a senior executive of a TV channel that airs trashy programs 24 hours a day between horror and porn to make easy ratings.

So he can’t help but be attracted to the channel’s mysterious pirated Videodrome broadcast, intercepted by his faithful (not so much, as we shall see) hacker friend, Harlan, who proposes that he investigate the origin of this uninterrupted show of uncensored violence.

Together with sexy radio host Nicki Brand, poor Max sinks into hallucinations derived from these video broadcasts, in reality, the ultimate weapon in a conspiracy to eliminate the (so-called) human scum who like to watch horror and porn.

Once again, we find ourselves under the wing of David Cronenberg, who, as we have seen, will continue with The Fly, his passion for telling the inextricable parallel between how technology advances and its influence on the human body and mind.

The protagonist of this mad journey between the old and the new flesh is the superb James Woods, a rogue’s face of homelessness and selfishness who becomes an anti-hero despite himself as he struggles against power in its most cruel form.

Alongside him is the beautiful and disturbing Debbie Harry, a forbidden dream of every horror genre lover who brings to the screen an ambiguous woman, strong in character and shameless in her masochistic love.

Videodrome is an exhilarating indictment of media manipulation, the commodification of emotions, and the most forbidden desires, which become merely a means to achieve total political control.

♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Tremors (1990)

Tremors 1990 movie
Amazon Prime Video

So far in this horoscope, we have talked about some of the directors who have made the history of modern horror the most, yet I confess without shame that this is my favorite movie.

Therefore, for the sign of Sagittarius, free souls under the element of fire and ruled by Jupiter who are always looking for their natural path to freedom, nothing could have been better than the lovely couple of friends Earl and Valentine.

They, too, are fed up with living in the tiny county of Perfection Valley, a handful of houses in the desert with little more than a dozen inhabitants, so they finally decide to pack their bags and try their luck in the city.

But alas, they have chosen the wrong time, for underground, some giant verminoid beings awaken, fierce carnivores that escaped prehistoric extinctions and began slaughtering anyone they find in their path.

No help can come from outside, and no one can leave the area, so together with the few survivors and the beautiful seismologist Rhonda, Earl, and Valentine organize a desperate escape to the mountains, where presumably these monsters cannot reach them.

Tremors, the film debut of Ron Underwood, is a masterful blend of low-budget B-movie humor and the mighty’ Sand Wormsof the famous Dune. This unique fusion creates a high-paced, fun-filled experience punctuated by some gory killings by the monsters.

This movie is the opener for a saga with six sequels and a TV series, of which, unfortunately, none achieves the genuine glee of the pair of straggling, fierce protagonists like Fred Ward and Kevin Bacon.

In short, it is a little old-fashioned cult film that is close to the hearts of this writer and many other fans, perfect for an evening of science fiction and horror with these two unforgettable cowboys.

♑ Capricornus (December 22 – January 19)

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Bram Stoker's Dracula 1992 movie
Amazon Prime Video

Back to the movies in a big fashion (and big budget) under the direction of Francis Ford Coppola, who brings to the screen a monster perfect for Capricorn, the coldest and most calculating of the Horoscope signs, but who, as in this horror classic, also hides a soul of secret romance.

Indeed, no one can rival the cold elegance of Count Vlad Draculea, slaughterer of Turks during the Crusades who helplessly witnesses the suicide of his beloved Queen Elisabeta.

Upset in mind and soul, the count denies Christ to vote his existence to the dark forces, becoming a being that feeds on human blood and shuns light in favor of darkness.

But the love between Dracula and his Elisabeta is not yet over because four and a half centuries later, the count discovers a reincarnation of himself in the body of young Mina, an English noblewoman betrothed to young Jonathan Harker.

Thus, Dracula imprisons Harker in his castle and sets out for England to conquer his queen, with no mercy toward the unfortunate who dare to stand in his way.

Coppola returns to the essence with the oldest and most effective camera work and cinematic tricks, imposing his vision that becomes an instant cult classic.

The lovelorn couple Gary Oldman and Winona Ryder are simply priceless in charm and charisma, whose impossible love opposes the laws of man and those of nature.

They are then joined by a cast in a state of grace, from Oldman hunter Anthony Hopkins to the young Keanu Reeves, not to mention the Italian beauty of Monica Bellucci, a sexy vampire you won’t forget.

It is a must-see movie for anyone, visually excellent, narratively untouchable, directed, and starring the best of the best in 90s cinema for one of the highest peaks ever reached in the horror genre.

♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The Shape of Water (2017)

The Shape of Water 2017 movie
Amazon Prime Video

I’ve probably talked about this movie before, but who cares? It doesn’t hurt to talk about it again, right?

For the curious and generous Aquarius, an air sign (despite the name) under Saturn and Uranus, let’s include in the horoscope the best horror monster of the last few years at the cinema.

A monster born from the mind of visionary Guillermo del Toro, who literally copies the wise and mysterious Abe from the Hellboy saga and combines it with a background similar to the 1950s classic Creature from the Black Lagoon.

This creature is a prisoner on a U.S. military base, chained in a laboratory where he is tortured/interrogated daily by the sociopathic Colonel Richard Strickland.

Fortunately for him, the monster elicits empathy from the young, lonely cleaning girl Elisa, who bravely secretly arranges his escape and then hosts him in her home.

As they spend more time together, the connection between the monster and Elisa deepens into a love that transcends the boundaries of species and race, but of course, the relentless pursuit of the military, led by Strickland, threatens to tear them apart.

Del Toro masterfully weaves together a rich tapestry of film genres, with horror and romance taking the lead, sprinkled with a dash of action and some delightfully quirky musical interludes.

It is a mixture more unique than rare, made of moments of pain and despair, sex and comedy, and a fight as never unequal between the outcasts and marginalized against the pillars of power and control of society.

Equally rare is the pairing of the wonderfully monstrous Doug Jones and Sally Hawkins‘s unusual everywoman beauty, hunted down by a relentlessly insane Michael Shannon in a state of grace.

To sum up, we have love, hate, racism, dreams, and hopes: in short, everything that matters in life, you can find in this movie.

♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

The Fog (1980)

The Fog 1980 movie
Amazon Prime Video

We end as we begin, under the magical horror influence of John Carpenter, with one of the director’s most underrated movies, which is perfect to fit with the sign of Pisces in this Horoscope.

A water sign in the orbit of Neptune and Jupiter, as passionate as it is true to its code of honor of life and relationships, we can find its spirit in an adventurous key among the brave sailors of the mysterious pirate Blake.

A crew as unfortunate as they are cursed is lured into a trap on the coast of San Antonio Bay to be despoiled of their treasures and left to die of leprosy in the cold, fog-shrouded waters.

But after a century spent sleeping with the fishes, the pirates return to claim their loot along with the lives of the heirs of those responsible for their misfortune, shrouding the town in fog and beginning to kill the bearers of the curse one by one.

From the opening scene, Carpenter takes us back to childhood and gathers us around the fire to tell us this dark tale, told with class in long sequences of suspense and terror without resorting too much to blood and violence.

Just as good is the crew of actors the director leaves drifting through the fog of this horror film, starting with sexy radio deejay Adrienne Barbeau, who accompanies us with her warm voice from the beginning to the end of this adventure.

Young Jamie Lee Curtis returns, this timeless central as the character of a naive hitchhiker who finds herself caught up in the race for survival along with her boyfriend, Tom Atkins.

Even though many snub this horror film as a stumble in Carpenter’s career, the surreal atmosphere and the ghostly appearances of the ghostly sailors are a cinematic spell that still manages to impress today, winning big even over other productions with much more money and special effects.

Coming to the end, what do you have to say? Do you see yourself at least a little bit in the horror movies I have assigned to your Horoscope sign? Let me know in the comments, and I am curious to see your reactions.

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